Allow Yourself to
Mourn
Someone you love has died.
You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn.
Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding
the death and the person who has died. It is an essential part of healing.
You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful, overwhelming
and sometimes lonely. This brochure provides practical suggestions to help
you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.
Realize Your Grief
is Unique
Your grief is unique. No
one will grim in exactly the same way. Your experience will be influenced
by a variety of factors: the relationship you had with the person who died;
the circumstances surrounding the death; your emotional support system
and your cultural and religious background.
As a result of these factors,
you will grieve in your own special way. Don't try to compare your experience
with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your
grief should last. Consider taking a "one- day-at-a-time" approach that
allows you to grieve at your own pace.
Talk About Your Grief
Express your grief openly.
By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief
won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feet better. Allow
yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't
mean you are losing control, or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your
grief journey. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without
judging. Seek out those persons who will 'Walk with,"not in front of" or
"behind" you in your journey through grief. Avoid persons who are critical
or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, "keep your
chin up" or "carry on" or "be happy." While these comments may be well
intended, you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express
your grief; no one has the right to take it away.
Expect to Feel a Multitude
of Emotions
Experiencing a loss affects
your head, heart and spirit. So you may experience a variety of emotions
as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief
or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes
these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or
they may occur simultaneously.
As strange as some of these
emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn
from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly
experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief
attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are,
however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone
who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
Allow for, Numbness
Feeling dazed or numb when
someone loved dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness
serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with
what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from
the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't
want to believe.
Be Tolerant of Your
Physical and Emotional Limits
Your feelings of loss and
sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly
and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally
slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture
yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule
as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for
yourself; it means you are using survival skills.
Develop a Support System
Reaching out to others and
accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much.
But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time
is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide
the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself
and acknowledge your feelings - both happy and sad.
Make Use of Ritual
The funeral ritual does
more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you
with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way
for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this ritual,
you often set yourself up to repress your feelings and you cheat everyone
who cares for a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will
be, loved.
Embrace Your Spirituality
If faith is part of your
life; express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to
be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If
you are angry with God because of the death of someone you loved, realize
this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk
with who won't be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to
explore.
You may hear someone say,
"With faith, you don't need to grieve." Don't believe it. Having your personal
faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts
and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside
you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.
Allow a Search for
Meaning
You may find yourself asking.
"Why did he die?" "Why this way?" "Why now?" This search for meaning
is another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have
answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity
to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a
supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.
Treasure Your Memories
Memories are one of the
best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them.
Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories
may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part
of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.
Move Toward Your Grief
and Heal
The capacity to love require
the necessity to grieve when someone you love dies. You can't heal
unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only
make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief
and heal.
Reconciling your grief will
not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event.
Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death
of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you won't
be happy again. It's simply that you will never be exactly the same
as you were before the death.
"The experience of grief
is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal.
In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of
meaning and purpose in you life."
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt
Center for loss and life
transition |
