| The Time of Death can be
mystifying and troubling to a young person. Families First help children
understand the processes of dying, death and bereavement and how it affects
their lives. Our children's program offers interactive discussions of what
happens when a person dies, what the children will see, and examination
of the caskets help children deal with the situation in an honest and caring
setting before seeing their grandparent or other loved one. We encourage
children to be part of the funeral by putting pictures, letters or other
meaningful items in the casket. Young people may also act as honourary
pallbearers during the service.
Should The Children Know?
Learning to accept death
is a natural experience in life which must not be ignored. Talking about
death is necessary. It is a vital part of every child's development.
How Should I Explain Death?
Death is a subject most
of us do not like to talk about but eventually we all have to face it.
We, at Miller Funeral Home would like to help prepare your family before
the need arises. We have designed a program to meet the needs of your family,
in respect to the ages of your children, your faith issues and cultural
beliefs.
When & How Do We Participate?
Individual appointments
will be made for your family or group at a time that is mutually convenient
to your family and ours. The program is best conducted at Miller Funeral
Home as this gives the children more of a hands on approach to learning.
The intention of the program is to give a better understanding, and remove
the mystery around what happens when a person dies. Depending on the ages
of your children, and the size of your family or group, we would like you
to allow us 60 minutes for discussion, tour, and questions.
What age should attend?
If the child is old enough
to walk let him/her walk with you into the funeral home, if not carry them
in with you.
Caring for a Surviving
Child
As in all situations, honesty
is the best way to deal with children. Talk to the child in a language
that they can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand
what the child is saying and just as importantly, what they are not saying.
Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can
express their thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few
ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.
1.
The child's first concern may be "Who is going to take care of me now?"
A) Maintain usual
routines as much as possible.
B) Show affection,
and assure the child that those who love him or her still do and that they
will take of him or her.
2.
The child will probably have many questions and may need to ask them
again and again.
A) Encourage the child
to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be understood.
Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of caring.
B) Answers should
be based on the needs of the child seems to be expressing, not necessarily
on the exact words used.
3.
The child will not know appropriate behavior for the situation.
A) Encourage the child
to talk about their feelings and share with them how you feel. You are
a model for how one expresses feelings. It is helpful to cry. It is not
helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.
B) Allow the child
to express their caring for you. Loving is giving "and" taking.
4.
The child may fear that they also may die or that they somehow caused the
death.
A) Reassure the child
about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts they may have
had about the person who died did "not" cause the death.
B) Reassure him or
her that this does "not" mean someone else he or she loves is likely to
die soon.
5.
The child may wish to be a part of the family rituals.
A) Explain these to
them and include them in deciding how they will participate. Remember that
they should be prepared beforehand, told what to expect, and have a supporting
adult with them. Do not force them to do anything they don't feel comfortable
doing.
6.
The child may show regressive behavior.
A) A common reaction
to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of development. (For example,
child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting; or, may need to go back
into diapers or have a bottle for a time). Support the child in this and
keep in mind that these regressions are temporary. Adults can help prepare
a child deal with future loses of those who are significant by helping
the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet
dies or when death is
discussed in a story or
on television. In helping children understand and cope with death, remember
four key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and Be Consistent.
EXPLANATIONS THAT MAY NOT HELP Outlined below are explanations that adults
may give to a child to explain why the person they
loved his died. Unfortunately,
simple, but dishonest answers can only serve to increase the fear and uncertainty
that the child is feeling. Children tend to be very literal - - if an adult
says that "Grandpa/Grandma died because they were old and tired" the child
may wonder when they too will be too old and they certainly get tired -
- what is tired enough to die?
1. "Grandpa/Grandma
will sleep in peace forever." This explanation may result in child's fear
of going to bed or to sleep.
2. "It is God's will".
The child will not understand a God who takes a loved one because He needs
that person Himself, or "God took him because he was so good." The child
may decide to be bad so God won't take him too.
3. "Daddy/Mommy went
on a long trip and won't be back for a long time." The child may wonder
why the person left without saying goodbye. Eventually they will realize
Daddy/Mommy isn't coming back and feel that something they did caused Daddy/Mommy
to leave.
4. "John was sick
and went to the hospital where he died." The child will need an explanation
about "Little" and "Big" sicknesses. Otherwise, they may be extremely fearful
if they or someone they love has to go to the hospital in the future.
How to Help a Child Deal
with Loss
a) As soon as
possible after the death, set time aside to
talk to the child.
b) Give the
child the facts in a simple manner "be careful not to go into too much
detail. The child will ask more questions as they come up in their
mind.
c) If you can't
answer his/her questions, it's OK to say, "I don't know how to answer that,
but perhaps we can find someone to help us".
d) Use the correct
language - say the words "dead" and "die". Do not use phrases such as,
"He's sleeping..." or "God took her..." or "He went away..."
e) Ask questions
like, "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard from your friends?"
"What do you think has happened?" etc.
f) Explain your
feelings to your children, especially if you are crying. Give them permission
to cry too. We are their role models: it is good for children to see our
sadness and to share our feelings with them.
Where do children fit
in?
Many parents never stop to
think about what they will do with the children when a loved one dies.
Probably most wonder who they will get to baby-sit the children while they
attend the funeral. Excluding children from the funeral will delay their
grieving and hinder their ability to deal with death and loss later in
life. Here are some practical ideas that have worked well.
1. Give children
the opportunity to draw a picture of a happy memory they have of the person
who has died. This picture can be placed in the casket or with the urn.
2. Have a child
write a letter to the person who has died. This gives the child the opportunity
to say, "I love you" one more time and to say goodbye. Put the letter in
the casket or with the urn.
3. A child can
either pick flowers from the garden at home or buy flowers and place them
either in or on the casket or by the urn.
4. Older children
can act as honorary pallbearers or can read a selection at the funeral.
They could also act as ushers at the funeral.
5. You will
find it very helpful to spend time explaining to the children what a funeral
is about and what will happen. Taking them to the funeral home for the
visitation or wake is helpful in making them feel comfortable in those
surroundings. The day of the funeral will be much easier for them if this
happens. |
